I moved on and became ‘Secure’

‘Healthy relationships’  feels like the new buzz now on social media. Everyone, I mean everyone is sharing their thoughts on what is a healthy relationship. Just like everything else on social media once it catches on it is like wildfire and it spreads. Which of course creates new myths or the reemergence of old ideas. I, just like everyone, have a questionable relationship with social media so whilst it is great for inspiration I am not too sure if my education on relationships should come from there. 

“Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people. There is no imbalance of power. Partners respect each other’s independence, can make their own decisions without fear of retribution or retaliation, and share decisions. If or when a relationship ends, there is no stalking or refusal to let the other partner go.”

ny.gov

Whilst there are so many quotes on healthy relationships I must admit my knowledge and examples of healthy relationships are extremely limited. So I must ask, am I the only one who has this limitation or is this a very common issue? In the past years I have learnt about attachment styles and they say 40% of the population falls in the ‘secure’ category. When I began the self development journey I took the test, my results came in as an ‘avoidant’ attachment. This did not surprise me as I was an expert at avoiding commitment. At that time I did not know what a healthy or good relationship was. To be fair I had never heard of healthy relationships as a thing. 

Relationships to me were about control and it caused a lot of personal damage. I had my traumas and at that time I had just started a new relationship and I was extremely anxious. For some a new relationship is exciting but for me it is ridden with fear and anxiety. All of my fears surfaced and I was freaking out daily. The end for me in this relationship will eventually lead to trauma that I could not move on from. However, during a Circle event I decided to spill my guts and share my fears and one of our members’ said “ how can you overcome your fears if you do not face it.” This of course was a light bulb moment and I knew that I had to keep going. My relationship made me so happy but it frightened me. Not because of my partner but because of my past. 

I recently retook the test and my result came back as ‘secure’. After about 2 years my attachment style changed and I do not believe that it was because I simply wished it. For the past three years I have been in a very stable and what I would assume is a healthy relationship. If there was any self doubt about my relationship the change in my attachment style shows something is right. I have read that you can change your attachment style by doing a lot of self work and I did that. My aim was never about pleasing my partner but more for me to find happiness. I had to accept that happiness is not some treasure hunt and once you have it it’s yours forever. It is just like any other emotion such as anger and sadness.  

By accepting that my life choices are my own to make, I have become secure and grateful.  Since the test I journalled, I listened to our speakers, meditated and just listened to myself. My traumas are scars that are there and still visible but gradually they are disappearing as I continue to move forward. For me moving forward and listening to myself has been the key to my happiness and security. I realized that my life was stuck because I refused to move forward with one aspect of my life which is accepting love in whatever form it came. 

A healthy relationship starts with yourself and this will transcend every part of your life. No, you will not always be happy but remember happiness is an emotion. I believe to have a healthy relationship with yourself and others you need gratitude. That means we embrace all aspects, the happy, angry, sad days and just keep it moving. By being grateful and embracing who we are including our fears we treat ourselves with the same sympathy and understanding we would give a friend. We learn our boundaries, practice consent and let go of things that no longer benefit us allowing us to have healthy relationships. 


Join us next week November 2nd @7.30 GMT where we discuss ‘Healthy Relationships’. Book your FREE ticket. 

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Photo by courtney coles on Unsplash

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